This week has been hard.
Wow…. That’s the understatement of my life. Let me try again.
This week has broken my heart. Hopefully not permanently. But for the time being, yes. My heart aches.
The election is over. The country is at odds, to say the least. Many folks are fearful about their future, and rightfully so. Leadership feels unsteady and unpredictable at best. Our population is at an impasse, the civil rights of the most vulnerable among us are in question, and a large portion of us are feeling unheard, unsafe, and unsupported.
The processing of such dire conditions is really interesting within the context of a counseling relationship. Therapists are processing the events that are unfolding, right along with the folks they counsel. Therapists are just as devastated as those we support- just as fearful- and we’re kind of feeling our way along in the dark with the rest of the world. No one is fully prepared to cope through such fear- and anxiety-inducing conditions. Therapeutic relationships are so unique, in that it’s not always appropriate for therapists to share their opinions, political views, fears, and concerns… but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have them.
I’ve found myself preoccupied with the future of the people I care about… the safety of my family, the protections of vulnerable populations, and the overall welfare of the United States as a community. I can’t recall a time when tensions felt so high. As a result, I’ve spent a lot of time recently trying to hammer down the specific skills that are getting me through a time of great unrest. I can’t say that I’ve got it all figured out, but I’m surviving. Some moments are better than others, but I want to share what I’ve landed on. I’m hopeful that you’ll find these suggestions to be supportive in your mission to survive difficult times.
1) Check in with your body, and allow that to be your guide. Recently, I’ve become more aware of the ways my body responds when I’m feeling unsafe, or in conflict, or even when I’m going against what my heart truly wants and believes. Close your eyes and inhale deeply. On the slow exhale, what do you feel in your chest? Your shoulders? Your feet? You may feel a quivering, signaling the need for a long overdue cry. You may feel knots in your muscles, resulting from pent up anxiety and stress. Can you feel your feet? What textures do you feel? What temperatures? The more often you engage in this sort of mindfulness, the more likely you’ll notice patterns that you can attribute to various emotional responses.
Noticing the sensations is the first step- responding to them comes next. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to lay on the floor, lay on the floor. If you need to stretch, do it! Our bodies are such wonderful indicators of our emotional state… when we listen!
2) Embrace the “both… and”. The dialectical nature of healing is something that is forever intriguing to me. Dialectical is defined as “concerned with or acting through opposing forces”. It’s amazing to me that at any given time, we can feel both devastated and grateful. Exhausted and motivated. Disappointed and hopeful. Emotions and states of being rarely happen in a vacuum- they often team up and they show up in bulk. In relation to recent events, I find myself feeling both devastated by the isolation and failure of folks to show up in defense of others…. And inspired by the activism, passion and compassion shown by members of our communities. In all instances, I encourage you to allow space for both.
(Having said this, I am compelled to state that emotions don’t “have” to happen in tandem. Sometimes we just feel devastated. Or exhausted. Or disillusioned. All this suggestion intends to do is encourage us all to embrace the full spectrum of feelings as they arise.)
3) Give yourself grace (and follow through on honoring what feels best to you.) Our society is full of messaging about how we are expected to show up. And if you’re like most people, you’re not showing up this week with sunbeams and rainbows coming out of your eyeballs. I’ll speak for myself- November 2024 has not been my finest days. But reminding myself regularly that “I’m doing the damn best I can”, and “tomorrow is another day and another try” seems to put things into perspective. On days when I wake up sad or feeling defeated, I strive to allow myself to just be there. No pressure to change it, no toxic positivity convincing myself that things are better than they actually are… just sitting with the raw emotion of sadness. And I talk myself through it with kindness. Emotions rarely settle in for permanent position- they ebb and flow. Have faith that “this till shall pass”- ugh, I hate the Hallmark card-ness of that phrase. Nonetheless, while I can’t guarantee that the next moment will be better…. It sure as hell will be different. And the next day will be…. And the next…. Rinse and repeat.
4) Focus on- and take advantage of- the opportunities we have to be in control. In so many ways, what happens in the federal government feels out of our hands, and today I think this feels more truthful than ever. So I encourage you to embrace the simple day-to-day opportunities to take charge of your life. Choose things that feel healthy for your body. Choose the salad over the hamburger. Choose to go to the gym, if that makes you feel good, or choose to bike to the store instead of driving. On a day when you feel particularly down, choose an hour of movement instead of an hour scrolling your phone. Drink water, give up cigarettes. Make choices that reinforce the person you want to be. Defend those who can’t defend themselves. Get involved in local government, if that helps, or for those more introverted, like myself, read books that expand your mind, or contact your representatives via email. Love others like hell. For God’s sake, love other people. After all, do we exist for any other reason?
And when there are circumstances outside your realm of control? Fuck. Mourn it. Surround yourself with people who allow you to mourn, who lift you up, and who don’t gaslight you for feeling your feelings. THESE…. are your people. And right now, I have little time or space for anyone who denies others their emotional response, whether it’s about lack of safety, lack of control, grief, shock, denial, or any other of a million responses. Surround yourself with your people.
These steps won’t make the trauma go away. They might not fix or solve anything. But my hope is that they’ll motivate you to be just a hair more gentle with yourself. After all…. The world needs you to be here. Now. In the worst of ways.
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