Picking a therapist can be one of the most daunting tasks we face, yet it’s such a necessary step toward ensuring mental health. As a licensed therapist in Colorado, believe me when I say, there are hundreds- thousands?!- of qualified clinicians in the state. How in the world are we supposed to pick the one person we can trust with our innermost thoughts?
I’ve been there. As an active consumer of talk therapy on and off for the past 25 years, I have chosen several therapists to assist in my own healing. With some I had great success, others just weren’t the therapist for me, and others still supported me amazingly for a period of time, and eventually I needed someone different. That’s very important to remember- not everyone has to be the right fit. Just like when you choose your friends, or your doctor, or a sponsor in a substance treatment program- not everyone is meant to work together, and that’s okay! There are more than enough professionals and clients to go around- with a little bit of background work, we’ll all find the folks who are designed to support us in the best way!
Years ago, I received feedback that stated, “You were the perfect therapist for me, at the perfect time.” I’ve held this close because I think it says so much about this process. If you enter into therapy for the long haul, your needs six years into the relationship may be different from your needs six weeks in. And if you are planning on working together for a shorter period of time, your life circumstances or therapeutic goals may dictate the type of clinician you gravitate toward.
If you’re seeking some logistical direction on where to start, I always recommend finding suggestions for therapists via word of mouth (a friend of a friend has a great therapist!). Another awesome option is to google “Psychology Today Find a Therapist”, and utilize the search engine. This allows you to search for licensed clinicians locally who are available to support you. My advice is always this: pay less attention to certifications, degrees, and trainings, and more attention to core values, the therapist’s personal statement about their approach, and the interpersonal connection. Of course, licensure and education are important, but a therapist can have all the education in the world and if the connection isn’t there, the relationship won’t be as helpful as it could otherwise.
(Note: I am not going to get into the weeds surrounding licensure and what to search for at this time, but I’d be remiss in not stating its importance. This is something a potential therapist would be happy to discuss with you, to answer questions about their hands-on experience required to gain licensure.)
When you’re choosing a therapist, all of the logistics need to fall into place- scheduling, insurance or private pay rates, virtual or in person, whether there are specialized skills you’re seeking. But even bigger than that, finding “the one” who clicks with you is of the greatest importance. It’s like dating, without the awkward attempts at hand-holding and meeting the parents. (At this point, I should state that it is absolutely NOT appropriate for a potential therapist to hold your hand or meet your parents- unless you’re engaging in family therapy. The analogy is simply for giggles.) It’s critical to be certain that your core values align, and that conversation flows comfortably (while recognizing that in a brand new relationship, it sometimes takes time to foster that ease.) As a client, when I have met with potential new therapists, my thought is always this: Can I envision myself sharing my deepest thoughts, my most painful experiences, and my greatest shame with this human… if not today, eventually? If the answer is a quick “no”….. I go on the next name on my list.
Something else to keep in mind is that therapist-hunting, much like dating, often doesn’t happen on the first attempt. Isn’t that a bummer? Oftentimes you’ll need to meet with several therapists before you land on what feels best to you. This is one of the reasons many therapists- myself included- offer a free, introductory 20 minute call, to feel out the connection and determine compatibility. The multiple attempts is challenging, but I try to reframe this to view it as an awesome opportunity to meet some new folks and try them on for size. You wouldn’t settle for a size 7 brown Birkenstock if what you really wanted was a size 9.5 red Converse…. So why would you settle on a therapist?
Some clinicians may disagree with me on this, but in my experience, the personal connection with a potential therapist is far more important than the modality or theoretical orientation the therapist brings to the table. If a therapist possesses the ability to build rapport, is mindful and respectful of confidentiality, and helps me feel at ease… those are the foundational pieces to building a productive, supportive therapeutic alliance.
So a few quick parting points for your therapist hunt:
Focus on connection above credentials, impressive training lists, etc.
Remember that therapists are not “one size fits all”- not every therapist is right for every client.
Don’t worry about hurting a therapist’s feelings- we know that we’re not “one size fits all”!
Ask the questions! Generally speaking, therapists are happy to answer questions about their philosophies, values, approach, or other details. If a therapist feels uncomfortable answering, due to a certain boundary or other roadblock, trust that they will discuss this with you!
And similarly to dating, hang in there! There’s someone out there for all of us- as my good friend used to say when we were circulating the dating scene…. “every pot has its lid!” And the same is true here. With some time, dedication to the process, and faith…. You’ll find the connection you’re seeking.
Let me know if I can be supportive in the process. And most of all, good luck!
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